Should I take away my grandfather’s car keys? - Car Keys Part 1

Dear Viki,

My grandfather is losing his memory. The other day he got in a minor accident and couldn’t tell the police where he lived or who to call. I don’t want to be the one to do it but should I take away my grandfather’s car keys?

I understand what you are going through because I had to take away my Dad’s keys a few years ago. He was getting more and more confused and forgetful. I was lucky because I took away his keys before he hurt someone or himself. But many people aren’t that lucky. Their loved one kills someone by accident and the whole family is devastated.

So the answer to your question is now. You should take away his keys today before anything worse happens. What helped me make the decision for my dad was realizing that I was protecting him from himself. I had noticed that his behavior was getting worse but I didn’t want to face it. I wanted to believe that things weren’t that bad. But they were. Not only was he in danger in the car, but he was in danger getting around the house. He kept falling and hitting his head. After three trips to the emergency department, I realized that I had to take actions to protect him. The next time he fell would be my fault so I got him a walker to help him with his balance. And I knew that if he drove again and hurt someone, it would be my fault because now that I knew there was a problem, I would be responsible. I couldn’t live with myself if someone died because I wasn’t brave enough to do the right thing.

I am not saying this will be easy. My dad hated that I took away his keys. And I had to go through the whole house to find all the copies of the keys. I realized when I found 15 copies of the keys that he had been forgetting where he kept his keys and kept getting copies made. Another solution families choose is to disable the vehicle so the person can’t start the car even if there are more keys hidden in the house. Eventually my dad got rid of his car so he didn’t have to be reminded of his loss.

And yes it will be a loss and yes they will be angry and sad. I know that someday when my niece or nephew takes away my car keys, I am going to be so disappointed. I love the privilege and freedom of driving. It will be a terrible loss but hopefully I will remember that they are protecting me and loving me. I hope they have the courage to do the right thing even when doing the right thing is difficult to do.

Part 2, Dealing with the emotions. http://tinyurl.com/qjjpb8

Have a kind and respectful day.

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What is The K.I.N.D. Method?

The K.I.N.D. Method

K - Knowledge

I - Inquire and listen

N - Need to brainstorm

D - Decide and Do it

The Kind Method is a problem solving approach to making ethical medical decisions. The four step process is based on four core concepts: Knowledge, Inquire and Listen, Need to Brainstorm, and Decide and Do it.

The first step is Knowledge. If you don’t know enough information, you won’t be able to make a good decision. Patients make this mistake all the time when they don’t find out more about their disease and their medical options. Doctors also make this mistake when they don’t find out about the patient’s preferences and quality of life goals.

The second step is to Inquire and Listen. This is where most of us get stuck. We don’t ask enough questions. We don’t ask the right questions. And when people tell us the answers, we don’t listen well enough. Or we don’t like the answers and we refuse to listen. We need to ask better and to listen better.

Once you have collected enough information, then you can begin to figure out what you should do. Don’t just jump to the first thought that enters your mind. Instead do step three. You Need to Brainstorm to figure out your options. What is brainstorming? It is coming up with at least three different choices that you can consider. The choices may be as simple as: 1. Do what the doctor said, 2. Don’t do what the doctor said, or 3. Do only part of what the doctor said. Now that you have these three options, you can begin to seriously think about your choices and how each choice would affect your life. Think carefully because it is your life we are talking about.

Once you have done this, now it is time for step four. The fourth step is to Decide and Do it. At this point, the deciding may be easy but the doing may be more difficult. But if you have gone through the first three steps, you can feel more confident that you are making the right decision and it is time to take action.

Got a question? Ask Viki.