A Good Death – You Tell Me and I Will Help You Get It

A good death is what you tell me it should be. No one can define what would make a good death for you. If you tell people what would be meaningful for you, then those around you can get you what you need. I have lots of ideas for things you might want to do to create a legacy for your family but that is only if that is what you want to. Perhaps you want to record your life history on an audio or a video tape. Perhaps you want to write love letters for your family to open after you are gone. Perhaps you want to write an “ethical will” outlining what values and beliefs you would like to pass on.

Or maybe you want me to know about how to handle your physical symptoms. Maybe suffering has meaning for you. If you explain this to me, I will understand when you don’t take your pain pills. Or if you tell me that you don’t want to suffer, I will understand when you take your pills and sleep a lot. Or perhaps you want to trade a little bit of pain control for consciousness, then I will understand if you only take a little of your pain meds. You tell me. It is your death.

Or perhaps you don’t want to talk about it and just spend your days living. You get to decide but you have to tell people so they will know what is important to you. Otherwise, we won’t know what to do to support you.

There is a famous bioethics case of a lady who needed to have her leg amputated. She didn’t want to have her leg cut off even though it meant she would die. The doctor argued with her again and again. He would ask, “Don’t you want to be alive to see your grandkids grow up? Don’t you want to spend time with them?” Finally the woman said to the doctor, “I hate my grandkids.” He was shocked. But she went on to explain that the only thing that brought her joy was working in her garden. And if her leg was cut off, then she couldn’t do that anymore. The doctor had thought that what would be valuable for him would be valuable for her. He was mistaken.

You have to tell your doctor what matters to you. And if you can, write it down so people will know what to do when it comes time. When it is written down, you are more likely to get what you want. A good death on your own terms.

Have a kind and respectful day.