My dad would say that, “Dying is difficult because we have never done it before.” But we don’t need to be afraid because our bodies know how to die.

My dad would have told you that, “Dying is difficult because we have never done it before.” But we don’t need to be afraid because our bodies know how to die.

A few hours before my dad died, a couple of his friends stopped by to say their goodbyes. His friend Mary asked me, “What do you think your dad would be saying right now?” I said, “He would probably say that dying is difficult, because we haven’t done it before.” The reason I told her this was because he used to say the same thing about aging. “Getting older is difficult because we haven’t done it before.” How true both of these statements are because anything that is unknown to us can be scary. If we had done it before, we would know that it isn’t as bad as we thought it might be. We might realize that there can be profound lessons in aging and in dying. We might be at more peace during the dying process because we would know that our bodies know how to die. What do I mean by this? The act of dying is sometimes referred to as the labor of death. It is actually rather similar to the labor of birth, though hopefully a lot less painful. Let me explain.

When you were about to be born, your mother didn’t have to say to her uterus, “Please contract now and began to push the baby out.” Or, “Cervix, please dilate so the baby can come out.” Your mother’s body knew what to do and the labor of birth happened naturally. The labor of death is similar to the labor of birth because your body knows what to do. As you begin to near the end of your life you may begin to sleep more and to become less interested in the world around you. You may not have the strength to the things you used to do. As death gets nearer, you will begin to sleep even more and to eat even less. You’re just not hungry anymore and that is normal and all right. Your body knows that it’s time to shut down and that it doesn’t need extra food to keep it going.

Your body goes through predictable and peaceful changes as death approaches. Your skin will get cooler and your breathing patterns will change back and forth from fast to slow to barely there. You may get a fever. There are many other symptoms that you might also experience. You probably won’t be communicating at all at this point. But you can still hear and feel your family. Your loved ones should still talk to you as if you are there and hold your hand, give you a massage or climb into bed to embrace you. If you would like music to be played, then play their favorite songs.
They should do whatever they think you might like to comfort and support you.

It’s great if you have a hospice team in place to support you through this process. They can educate both you and your loved ones about what to expect at each stage along the way. Not everybody dies the same way but there are predictable patterns about what to expect. You don’t need to be afraid. You knew how to be born and you know how to die.

There is more information available on the Hospice Foundation of America website at www.hospicefoundation.org

Have a kind and respectful day.