Are you the patient’s advocate or a bully?

This might be painful to read, but you may be making things worse for your loved one. Now I am a big believer in advocating for what you need in healthcare but there is a line which shouldn’t be crossed. And the line is when you start bullying the members of the healthcare team. Here is what this might look like. The doctor says, “What you are requesting won’t work for this condition. That treatment isn’t an option.” And you say, “You have to do it anyway or I will sue you.” You will probably get your way because doctors are afraid of the “l” word, lawsuit. But what you really just got is a medical treatment that will not work for your loved one and will only give them toxic side effects. Are you sure that’s what you meant to do?

If you truly want to know if a treatment is appropriate, ask for a second or third opinion. If you can find a doctor that will give you what you want, then change to that doctor. But if after you have asked 2 or 3 other doctors and they all tell you no, then you need to realize what you are getting is good medical advice. If everyone around you reacts negatively to you, it is not everyone being the problem, it is you. So if all the doctors and nurses are a “problem”, then perhaps the problem is you. You may be a bully.

You may think that if you become loud and demanding then you will get what you want. It doesn’t work that way in hospitals. You may get what you want but you will destroy the relationship between the patient and the doctor. And did you know that if the patient trusts the doctor, they will actually heal faster? It’s true. So when you damage the relationship, you are damaging the recovery process. And again, your good intentions will cause harm.

The doctors and nurses will start avoiding the patient’s room and spend less time interacting with you and the patient. And you and your loved one will become known as the “problem in room 321.” Every nurse that comes on shift will be warned about you. And again, that doesn’t get you what you want.

If you want to get more, be kinder and more appreciative. I always tell people that if you want to get better care, bring snacks to the nurses. Say thank you to the doctor. Make them want to spend more time thinking about your loved ones health and more time talking to you and the patient. Be a part of the healthcare solution.

Have a kind and respectful day.

When the patient or family member is a bully?

I don’t have to tell you when a patient or their family member is bullying, you know. Nobody says the word “bully”, but that is what is going on. People bully the doctor to get what they want because they are desperate, afraid, guilty or any number of emotions. They want you to save their loved one so they can resolve their issues with the person. Maybe they haven’t been a good daughter or haven’t said sorry, so they try to make you do something you can’t do. Save their loved one. So what can be done?

The first thing to know is that you have something called professional integrity. And this is not a small thing. It is one of the four state and federal interests. The four interests of the government are:
1. To protect people from death
2. To protect people from suicide
3. To protect vulnerable populations
4. To protect the integrity of medicine

Of all the things the government could have wanted to protect, they chose you, the healthcare professional. They understand that what you do is special and you need to be able to exercise your medical integrity and not have to give in to patients demanding treatments that aren’t good for them and will not work. Even the AMA supports you in this. They state that you don’t have to give a patient a particular treatment just because they demand it. It still has to be “good medicine.”

So what can you do when you find yourself up against a bully? Stop the bullying the minute it starts. Every time you give in to their demands, they get more powerful and they think they can get away with it. You need to be firm and state, “I won’t give your loved ones treatments that will not work. I will not subject them to the toxic side effects without the chance of any benefit.” And you have to say it with courage and strength. You don’t have to be hostile, just confident.

The next thing you can do is to make sure you offer something else instead. Most of the time when we say no to a patient, we don’t give them another choice, we just say no. When you are going to say no, then be sure you have a number of other things you are going to offer. Even if it is as simple as improving their pain management, putting them on hospice, getting the social worker to contact their religious leader or … Every time you give up your authority, you are changing the standard of care. If all of the doctors keep giving it up to bullies, then the standard of care will be that bullies get to dictate medical care. A famous bioethicist, Larry Schneiderman says, “Use it or lose it.” Right now you have the right to say to bad medical treatment demands, but you must exercise that right in order to keep it.

Have a kind and respectful day.