Taking The Car Keys Away Part 2 – Dealing with the Emotions

I have been surprised by how many people have contacted me about the issue of taking the car keys away from a loved one. What I want to add to the discussion is that we have to remember to address the emotional issues being experienced by the person losing their driving privileges. They should be angry. They should be sad. These are normal emotions as they come to terms with not only the loss of driving but the loss of their mental and physical abilities. It is a good idea to sit with them and let them speak their mind. All you have to do is listen. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t defend the doctor. Just listen. As you hear their words, think about the day when you will lose your driving privileges and find compassion for your loved one.

One technique you can use is something called active listening. With active listening, what you do is to repeat back the words and the emotions you are hearing. For example, when your mom says, “I am so mad at you for telling the doctor that I shouldn’t be driving anymore.” What you can say is, “I understand that you’re really mad at me mom and that you wish I hadn’t told the doctor.” Your natural instinct is to defend yourself or to explain the reasons you did what you did. This conversation is not about facts, it is about emotions. Just hear your mom’s heart and allow her to experience her feelings. It will probably take a while as you listen and acknowledge her feelings. As she feels heard, she will calm down. And it may take a number of conversations so don’t be upset about this. Don’t you sometimes have to vent more than once about something you are dealing with in your life? Just accept that this is part of her healing process. Hopefully over time, she will come to terms with this loss and move on in her life. But don’t expect her to be happy about losing her ability to drive. It will always be a disappointment.

Lastly, I encourage you to take a look at the first part of the HBO Alzheimer’s special found online at http://www.hbo.com/alzheimers/. It is called, “The Memory Loss Tapes” episode. About halfway through this first section, a woman whose doctor has recommended she stopped driving is put through a driving evaluation test. It is shocking to see how bad it has gotten and that to realize that she just recently lost her privileges. This woman has been a danger on the road for a long time. Please take action sooner than later and save lives.

Part 1, When should I take away the car keys? http://tinyurl.com/c9zjqp

Have a kind and respectful day