A Good Death – The Patient Gets to Decide

A good death is what the patient tells us it should be. No one can define what would make a good death for another person. We have to ask.

There is a famous bioethics case of a lady who needed to have her leg amputated. She didn’t want to have her leg cut off even though it meant she would die. The doctor argued with her again and again. He would ask, “Don’t you want to be alive to see your grandkids grow up? Don’t you want to spend time with them?” Finally the woman said to the doctor, “I hate my grandkids.” He was shocked. But she went on to explain that the only thing that brought her joy was working in her garden. And if her leg was cut off, then she couldn’t do that anymore. The doctor had thought that what would be valuable for him would be valuable for her. He was mistaken.

We have to ask the patient what they would want and then respect their answers. We have to respect the person. It is their life and their death.

I know it is difficult to accept when people want things we don’t understand. For instance, for some people suffering has meaning. If I understand this, I can understand when the patient doesn’t want to take their pain pills. Or if they want to trade a little bit of pain control for increased consciousness, then I will understand if the patient will only take a little of their pain meds. It is their death. We need to listen to them.

When I work as a hospice volunteer, I have lots of ideas for things people might want to do to create a legacy for their family but that is only if the person wants to. But I don’t assume that what other people want is what I would want. I ask. If someone wants to record their life history on an audio or a video tape, I will help them. Or perhaps they will want to write love letters for their family to open after they are gone. And some people want to write an “ethical will” outlining what values and beliefs they would like to pass on. Or if they would rather avoid thinking about dying, then I honor that. It is their decision to make. They get to choose what makes a good death for them, so I listen.

Have a kind and respectful day.