What Do I Do When Someone is Grieving?

A doctor stopped me in the hall the other day and asked what he could do to comfort his brother whose son had just died. He told me that the son was only 25 and had died in a car accident. The doctor said that when he talked to his brother, all his brother had done was to scream and yell at him.  He didn’t understand why his brother reacted that way when all he was trying to do was to help.

As I sat down, I could see this doctor’s grief and pain. He was suffering for both the death of his nephew and because he couldn’t find a way to be supportive of his brother. He didn’t understand that grief, especially the early stages of grief can show up in many different ways. His brother wasn’t angry at him, he was angry that his son was dead. But he was taking it out on those around him. That is normal.

Everyone is different in their grief. Some people cry. Others get silent. Some can’t eat while others can’t get out of bed. Any emotion is okay when someone is in grief. And the grief will change as time goes on. When my Dad died, at first I was very quiet and wanted to be left alone. Then I couldn’t stop crying and needed people’s support. And now, years later, it is still an ache deep in my heart.

So how can we help?

1. There are no magic words to make the person feel better. Just say, “I am sorry for your loss.” Now I know you want to make them feel better, but trying to find the perfect words won’t help, but listening does. Listening is very healing.

2. So your next step is to listen, truly listen. If they start talking about their grief, don’t jump in with your own story about the loss you suffered in the past. It is not about you. It is about being present with them and their suffering. I admit that listening is hard. But try to sit still, be quiet and give them this gift.

3. The other thing you can do is to “normalize” their grief. What does this mean? The grieving person would like to be reassured that what they are feeling is normal and to feel less alone with their sorrow. So if they say, “I am so angry at _______.” You can say, “It is normal to be angry. That is a part of the grief process.” Any emotion is normal. That is grief.

4. Don’t be surprised if they don’t want to talk about their loss. Sometimes people need a break from their grief and would just like to have a normal conversation with you. In some cultures and families, grief is a private matter so please respect this and continue to be a good friend.

5. Lastly, if you are a healthcare professional, is it okay to cry with your patient? Of course it is. Sharing a few tears with someone else is a sign of compassion and understanding. But do not cry so hard that the patient then has to comfort you.

Have a kind and respectful day.

3 Secrets to Getting the Most Out of Your Dr.’s Appointment

Do you feel like the doctor doesn’t have enough time to listen to your complaints? Is it frustrating to leave the doctor’s office and realize you didn’t get your questions answered?

Let me tell you what is going on and you aren’t going to like it. The doctor has about 12 minutes to listen to you, exam you, figure out what is wrong with you and put together a plan to help you get better.

I can hear you saying, “But 12 minutes isn’t enough.” Of course not, but that is the reality of medicine today.

You can complain but if you are smart, you can learn the three simple steps below to get the most out of your doctor’s appointment.

Here is Secret #1. You have to think like a doctor. Doctor’s think in an organized manner, so we have to give them our information in an organized way. Doctors usually play a guessing game with us as they try to figure out what is our “chief complaint”. But these questions are just wasting our precious minutes. The more organized and prepared you are for your appointment, the better.

Here is Secret #2. The doctor will make more time for you if he likes you better. And if your doctor likes you, you will get better care. I know it doesn’t seem fair but that is just the way it works.

Secret #3 is to make sure you are nice to all of the office staff. They can make it easier or more difficult for you to get in to see the doctor. They control his schedule. So, be kind to them and say, “Thank you.”

Now let’s make it easy for the doctor to help you.

Step 1. Write down all of your medications, occasional cold medicines, vitamins, herbal medicines, natural supplements, etc. And I mean everything. Even things you don’t think are important may be very important to your health. The doctor can’t protect you from things that he doesn’t know about, so write them down. If you don’t want to write them down, then bring all of them to the appointment with you.

Step 2. Write down how you are feeling. Why are you coming to see the doctor? Tell him what is hurting you, bothering you or any other physical complaints? Write down the new symptoms first and then write down the problems that are ongoing.

Step 3. Write down your questions and then circle the 2 most important questions. The doctor doesn’t have time to answer all of your questions so it is up to you to keep the doctor focused on what is most important to you.

And a Bonus Secret, if you want to make the doctor angry, keep your most important question a secret until the end of the appointment, and as the doctor is walking out the door say, “I have one more question …” If you wait until the end for this “Oh by the way” question, the doctor will only have one minute left to answer it. Please, write down this most important question so the doctor can spend time helping you.

If you would like, I have created a form for you to use each time you go to the doctor, Viki Kind’s Office Form for getting more from your doctor. Sign up for my newsletter and I will send you new support tools once a month.  Print out a couple of copies so you have them ready before your next appointment.

Have a kind and respectful day.

Interview with Lise Marquis from “A Place for Mom” – Providing senior care and housing options

Interview with Lise Marquis from A Place for Mom on January 21st, 1PM pacific, 4PM eastern on BlogTalkRadio.com/kindethics. Call in to listen live and to ask your questions at 347-945-5152. Or listen later to the show at BlogTalkRadio.com/KindEthics

The Search for Senior Care….Simplified and FREE

Your personal Eldercare Advisor is Lise Marquis
866-691-2427 (local office) 760-207-9405 (mobile) lisem@aplaceformom.com

ABOUT “A PLACE FOR MOM” (and DAD)
They provide a free comprehensive resource for senior housing and care options to families in need. Each day thousands of families are faced with the unique and complex challenge of finding appropriate elder care. The array of choices and decisions to make can be overwhelming and families are left with too many unanswered questions. A Place for Mom will provide you and your family with one-on-one guidance during this difficult process.

They provide senior care and housing options in the following areas:
Independent Retirement Living
Assisted Living
Alzheimer’s & Dementia Care
Respite Care
Skilled Nursing
Home Care
Residential Care (Board & Care) Homes
Hospice

They also provide resources for:
Financing/VA Aid & Attendance
Legal Services
In Home Therapy Services
Support Groups/Professional Organizations
Touring Checklists

Some kind words:

“Hi Lise – Just wanted to thank you for the excellent referrals for my mom.
I am so impressed with you and “A Place for My Mom”. Thanks for making a difficult task SO MUCH EASIER!”

“Dear Lise, This has been the most stressful week of my life, but I could NEVER have gotten through it without you. You are truly a god send, and I will never forget how much you helped me.”

“Lise, I will pass your name along to everyone I talk to that needs a compassionate, caring person to help them in finding a place for their very special loved one.”

A Place for Mom is the nation’s largest eldercare referral network. They help hundreds of families every day. Their consultation is provided at no cost to families, as their partner communities and homes reimburse them for our services.

Have a kind and respectful day.

The Power of Empathy – Helping people connect to their own hearts

Quote of the month:
“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.” Meryl Streep

Empathy

Last year, during one of my lectures about end of life communication, a doctor asked me some questions about hospice care. He explained that his question was about his wife who had end-stage lung cancer. They were still trying to fight the disease but the disease was winning. He wanted to know more about the option of hospice and if it would be appropriate for his wife. I told him I would speak to him in greater detail after the lecture.

After the lecture, he began to tell me about the medical condition and the medical treatments that his wife was going through. This was a man who loved his wife and was desperate to keep her alive. After listening to the story, I asked what his wife would say about continuing with the treatments vs. going on hospice. I wanted to hear her point of view. I asked him directly, “What would your wife tell me about what it is like to be going through this and how does she feel about it.” He then began to tell me about what he was experiencing and how exhausted and overwhelmed he was. I realized I was talking to someone with incredible caregiver fatigue. I listened and tried to be supportive. I recommended support group options and other services that might help him with his fatigue.

Then once again, I asked about how his wife perceived her experience. He couldn’t answer. Again it became about medicine. It was as if he was reporting on an intriguing patient. I found it fascinating that he could not begin to explain or to experience what his wife was feeling. In the hour I spent with him, he could never say my wife would say … or my wife would want… This was not because he didn’t care about what she was experiencing, it was because he cared too much that he couldn’t begin to comprehend what was going on inside her.

So many things were going on. The first issue I was dealing with was denial. He didn’t want to believe that he couldn’t fix this for his wife. Doctors want to heal and even more so, they want to heal the ones they love. He was trapped inside his profession and could only focus on what medicine had to offer his wife. He kept dancing on the edge of the topic of death by asking about what hospice might have to offer but ran away from it as I described the benefits of hospice. To choose hospice felt like choosing death. And he couldn’t begin to accept that death would be taking his young wife very soon.

The second issue was that he was treating his own wife. He was one of her doctors so he had disconnected from her by making her the patient. This is why doctors aren’t supposed to treat their own family or close friends. When a doctor treats their own loved one, he can become blind to what is in front of him. This gentleman was a good doctor and he would have put any of his other patients in this end-stage condition on hospice. But he couldn’t see that as a valid option for his own wife. He was blinded by his love.

The third issue was that he couldn’t empathize with what his wife was feeling. It hurt him too much to begin to imagine what this was like for his wife. This was not a man who couldn’t speak of emotions. He expressed his own emotions about the situation freely. But he couldn’t tap into his empathy for “his patient” or “his wife” because it was too painful. Our brain can only feel what it can survive feeling. It shuts down when it becomes too much. His deep and profound pain was palpable and I hurt for him.

My heart hurt for his wife as well. I tried to explain that his desperate need to cure her was limiting her option of having good end of life support. (Okay, I didn’t say it quite that way.) He told me her pain was not being managed (in technical terms), even though he was trying to help her. I explained that hospice is really good at pain management and he should use them as a resource. I also explained that hospice provide the intangibles such as support for the family, support for him and a safe person for his wife to talk to about her hopes and fears. When communicating about the upcoming death is forbidden, the patient misses out when they are unable to say what they need to say. Her voice wasn’t being heard in the treatment decisions and her existential suffering wasn’t being addressed.

This is one of the best gifts of a hospice. The person has a safe person to talk to when she can’t talk to her own loved one. Or if they don’t have a hospice worker, a good friend or family member can be this person. I wish that the spouse could be this person, but often it is too painful. This doctor/husband was not unusual. He could not bear his wife’s suffering. I meet many people who can not talk to their own loved own about dying. That is why I am there. That is why we have social workers and chaplains in hospitals. Doctors can also be this safe person if they have the courage to take on this role.

I don’t know if he was able to get some support for himself and his wife and if her pain is being managed. I hope so. I know that I can only go so far with someone in denial. I can only dance on the edge of subject with them so they won’t feel so alone or afraid. Eventually, the person will come closer when he or she is ready.

When we want to help others we need to have the courage to:

See the suffering
Acknowledge the suffering
Do something about the suffering, then
Heal our own suffering

Interview with Carol Bursack, author of “Minding Our Elders”, on Jan. 12, 9AM pacific

Listen to interview on Jan. 12th, 9AM pacific on blogtalkradio.com/kindethics.com or listen live at 347-945-5152.

For over twenty years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. As a result of this experience, Bursack wrote Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories, a portable support group for caregivers. Minding Our Elders is used as a college text for gerontology and nursing home administration classes as a way to humanize, for students, the family caregiving experience. Bursack’s award-winning Websites, www.mindingourelders.com and www.mindingoureldersblogs.com include links to helpful agencies, articles rich with information and comfort, links to chat groups, and resources for caregiver, boomer and senior needs.

Bursack’s elder care newspaper column, “Minding Our Elders,” runs weekly, in print and on-line. She is Editor-in-Chief of ElderCarelink.com. She’s an expert blogger and community leader on OurAlzheimers.com and the forum moderator and a regular contributor to AgingCare.com.

Bursack has been interviewed on many national radio shows, including “Mr. Eldercare,” “Today’s Author,” “The Ron Ross Show,” and Kevin Skipper’s “The Parent Care Show.” She has been interviewed and quoted in magazines and newspapers around the world, including Family Circle, Quick and Simple, North Jersey Media Group, The Leader-Telegram, Tampa Tribune and the Sydney Morning Herald. She also speaks on caregiving issues to groups of all sizes.

Bursack is a member of AARP, CAPS (Children of Aging Parents), the National Caregivers Advisory Panel, the National Family Caregivers Association (NFCA) and the National Council of Hospice and Palliative Professionals (NCHPP). As an expert in her field, she is featured in Montclair’s Who’s Who in Heath and has written hundreds of articles for national publications. Bursack is also a contributing author to “The Media Librarian’s Handbook,” (Facet Publishing, UK 2008) and contributing Author to: “Dementia: Frank and Linda’s story: New approaches, new understanding, new hope.” (Lion-Monarch, March 2010).

Mindingourelders.com

Have a kind and respectful day.

VeteranAid.org

I wanted to let you know about a resource I recently discovered which helps the veterans who need senior services get the benefits they need. VeteranAid.org

Here is Debbie’s story by Debbie Burak:

I’m often asked the question “why” I have taken this mission on. It is a 9-year journey of how I arrived at this point but as with many things, it is the climatic ending of a movie or a good book that has the most impact and drives the point home. In this case it was the ending of my mother’s life that became so pivotal for me.

I spent the last 10 days of her life at her bedside in Hospice, and watched how this life we take for granted slips quietly out of a room. How our survival instincts give way to resignation and acceptance that this fight is over. I looked into the eyes of my dying mother who continuously asked if her check from
the VA had come so that there would be money to bury her instead of cremation. The answer was always the same……..No. Even in her weakened state she would have known if I had lied and said yes. I couldn’t do that to her or to me.

My parent’s time in assisted living began as a result of a fire that rendered them homeless in a matter of minutes. My mother had been trapped in an 8ft enclosed patio with no exit, and at the last minute two angels came to her rescue. One jumped inside the patio while the other straddled the wall and together they pushed and pulled her up and over the wall to safety.

Monies had long been exhausted for their care, and they had not planned well enough to bear the burden of so many years in the care of others. So while her question about the check coming from the VA may seem insignificant, it would have allowed us to honor her burial wishes. Her fear of facing another fire was more than any of us could endure. I thought about how different this ending could have been, how different things would have been for both my parents if we had known about Aid and Attendance
from the beginning. $160,000 would have gone a long way to have made their lives better, and to help
lessen the financial hardship placed upon our family over 9 years. I thought about all the inquires to the VA for benefits for them, and repeatedly being told there was nothing, when all along there was.
To now have the pension awarded to my mother and be denied to the very end, to the last breath, yes, it was a defining moment in my life.

One of the last things my mother said to my sister and I was to “promise her that we would make certain that she was really dead before we let them put her in.” We promised and we made sure. I also promised something else that day, and that was to make certain that she did not wait in vain. That there would be a greater good that would come from this sorrow. If one veteran and their family have better choices, then she made a difference.

I prefer to believe that this is her gift to give, and I am simply the messenger. Debbie Burack

Have a kind and respectful day.

There is more to the people in our lives than we can see

I went to a funeral this weekend and it reminded me how little we know about the people in our lives. As the different people stood up and told stories about how this gentleman had affected their lives, the richness of who this man had been, came alive. I realized how much more I could have learned about him and the life he had led. I truly have missed out in not getting to know this person better.

I remember when I visited my aunt and one of her caregivers showed me a picture of my aunt on her phone. This caregiver considered my aunt her best friend. I was close to my aunt and had never even heard about this person. How could this be? Was I not asking the right questions or not showing an interest in my aunt’s life? I thought I was but now I don’t know. There was much more to her than I realized. I only saw her in relationship to who we were to each other. I didn’t see the many people she touched and how she affected the world.

It would be wonderful if we could take some time out and find out something new about the people we love. Try to see them as the world sees them. Find out more about how they make a difference in the world. Or if you can, try to see their world through their eyes. The people in our lives matter in more ways than we could ever imagine.

Have a kind and respectful day.

Interview with Todd Whatley, “Elder Law Issues” on Dec. 2nd, 9AM pacific

Listen to the Interview with Todd Whatley, “Elder Law Issues” on Dec. 2nd, 9AM pacific BlogTalkRadio.com/kindethics

Todd was a Physical Therapist for 13 years working in home health and nursing homes. He graduated from the Bowen school of law in 1998. He has been in private practice since 1999 and focused on elder law since 2000. He became Arkansas’ second Certified Elder Law Attorney in 2006.

Todd is on the leadership council of the Alzheimer’s Association. He is a regular speaker for Alzheimer’s Association. Todd has been on KATV’s Good Morning Arkansas discussing elder law issues. Todd spoke April 22, 2006 at the National Academy of Elder Conference in Washington D.C. on lawsuits to increase the spousal share in Medicaid applications. He is also an adjunct Professor at the University of Arkansas School of Law teaching Elder Law. He should complete his Masters of Law (LL.M.) course in Elder Law in December 2009.

Certified Elder Law Attorney*

Todd Whatley is a Certified Elder Law Attorney*. What does that mean? It means that he focuses his practice on the needs of the elderly client and their family and that the National Elder Law Foundation has certified Mr. Whatley with requisite amount of experience and knowledge to hold this distinction. Todd is a regular speaker for Continuing Legal Education seminars teaching other attorneys about elder law.

Website: http://www.elderlaw-ar.com
Blog: http://arkansaselderlawblog.com
Email: todd@elderlaw-ar.com

* as certified by the National Elder Law Foundation, an ABA approved organization for certifying specialists.

Taking Action to Solve the Healthcare Conflict

Quote of the day by William James: “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

Taking Action to Solve the Healthcare Conflict

It doesn’t matter who is the problem or who is at fault. You have to take action now to get the conflict resolved and to move forward taking care of your loved one. If you have been part of the problem, say you’re sorry. If you aren’t the problem, don’t worry about getting an apology. You don’t have time to stay angry. Your loved one needs help. The first thing you want to do is to deal with any conflicts when they first arise instead of letting them escalate. There are problem solvers throughout the hospital: The social worker, the charge nurse, the chaplain, the bioethics committee, the hospital administrator and in some places an ombudsman. These people have been trained to help facilitate the conflicts that occur in the hospital. If the conflict is happening in the doctor’s office, then you are on your own. But don’t worry, after you read the next few pages, you will be a much better problem solver yourself.

The first thing you need to do is to look at your role in the conflict. Am I making this situation better or worse? What could I do to make this situation better? Is this how I would react on a normal day? Or am I just overwhelmed, afraid, in shock or in grief and I’m having a hard time coping with this situation? Sometimes we need to take a timeout to catch our breath before we can interact with others and make any meaningful decisions. It is normal for you to feel the pressures and weight of these decisions. When any of us are in a crisis, we are not at our best. But unfortunately, you may not have the time to process what you’re going through and be able to feel like yourself again. Sometimes we have to make the decisions while we are stressed. Let people know how hard this is for you so they will understand what you are going through.

A couple of questions, you can ask yourself, may help you begin to see the situation differently. Are you making inaccurate assumptions? Sometimes we have misunderstood or not heard correctly what has been said to us. Before you get upset, make sure that you have the right information.

Are you more interested in “being right” or “getting it right”? This is a tough one. If you are determined that your way is the only way you, then you are going to have a difficult time resolving the conflicts with the healthcare team. Too often people discover that the way they thought things should go, turns out to be a mistake. I have seen this many times when the bioethics committee comes in to help with the ethical dilemma. The doctor is determined that his way is the right way and he is frustrated that the patient will not agree. Or the patient’s loved one comes in ready to do battle. Here’s what happens. As the meeting goes on, the people in the room hear the other parts of the story that they didn’t know before. Perhaps the doctor finds out that the reason the patient doesn’t want to do the surgery is because there’s no one at home to take care of them. The patient isn’t trying to be difficult, they are just feeling helpless. Or the patient’s family finds out that they have misunderstood what the doctors said about the disease or the possibilities of a cure. Once the misunderstandings have been cleared up, people calm down and new decisions can be made.

You have a lot of power in all of these interactions. You have the power to escalate or de-escalate the anger. You might say something like, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Well you can say this but it is only going to make the other person angry and you will still be no closer to getting what your loved one needs. Instead you might want to try a different approach. You might want to say, “Let me see if I understand what you are saying.” Or, “It seems like we both are trying to achieve the same thing but in different ways. Maybe if we …” If you think there is some miscommunication going on you can say, “I heard what you said. Let me repeat it back to you to see if I have understood you correctly.”

When I tell people this idea, people will say to me, “I don’t like what they are saying and I don’t agree with what they are saying.” Of course you don’t agree. You are in a conflict. But I never said you should agree. All I said was that you should listen to their point of view. This is the secret that mediators use to solve dilemmas all the time. One of the main things a mediator does is to help the people in the room to stop and listen to each other. You are listening to figure out if there is new information you didn’t hear before, or if there is some kind of misunderstanding or if you can understand more about why the other person is so passionate about their point of view.

This is where your power is in the middle of the conflict. It is not in raising your voice or pushing for everyone to do it your way. The power comes from understanding what is really going on and hearing what the other person needs you to know about what this means to them. I will never say that to listen means to agree; not at all. It just means to listen.

When you listen to resolve a conflict, the anger and emotions will decrease and your empathy will increase. You may surprise yourself when you finally hear what they are really saying because you may find yourself feeling more compassionate and understanding of their position. You will know that the listening is working when the other person begins to calm down. The more you listen, the more you will be able to hear the deeper message behind the other person’s words. Unless you have a really bad person in the room, you need to remember that the people helping your loved one want your loved one to get better too. (If there is someone who is really bad on the healthcare team, why are you keeping them on your team? You are allowed to change who is caring for you in a hospital. You can always ask for a different doctor to be your doctor.)

You are probably not disagreeing about the goal of getting your loved one better; you are probably just disagreeing on the how. Give the person you are arguing with the benefit of the doubt and stop and listen to what they have to offer. You may like what you hear. (I have seen in many bioethics meetings that people will completely change their minds and agree with the other side once they understand what is really going on.)

You won’t be able to solve the problem until you understand the interests behind the position. What does this mean? It means that what the person is saying he wants is only part of the issue. The trick is to figure out what the demand really represents. Let me give you an example. The loved one is demanding that the patient get CPR. The doctor wants the patient to be made a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). Now there is a conflict.

If I was helping these two to solve their conflict, I would first listen to try to figure out why it is so important to them to have their way. I would ask the patient’s loved one, “Why it is so important to have the patient get CPR?” They may tell me that they are desperate for the person to recover so they can ask for forgiveness. They haven’t been a good son and they want to say I’m sorry. Or they might say that it is against the patient’s religion to be a DNR. Or they might tell me that the patient said he would want CPR and they are trying to honor his wishes.

Do you begin to see now why what they want matters? If I can figure out why they want ____, then I can figure out how to help them. (And I figure this out by listening.) The same thing goes for the doctor. Why does the doctor want the patient to be DNR? Well perhaps the patient is close to dying and the doctor knows CPR won’t work. Or the doctor doesn’t want to prolong the suffering of the patient. Or the doctor doesn’t want to lose the business. Again, do you see why the why matters?

This is the power of listening. You can discover what is really going on behind the person’s demands and begin to figure out a way to solve it together. When you are listening, focus on figuring out what you have in common. Are you both trying to get the patient better? Are you both trying to respect the patient’s wishes? Anything you can find in common will become a starting place for problem solving.

I would like to give you a couple of quick tips to help you problem solve. The first is to separate the person from the problem. How do we do this? In these situations, it becomes a conflict between “my way” and “your way”. And we just keep battling until either one of us wins or we both get more frustrated. This doesn’t do the patient any good and it wastes our time. Let me give you an example. The patient comes in and he hasn’t been taking his medication. Usually the doctor would say, “Why haven’t you been taking your medication?” And what the doctor really means is, “Why are you being a problem?” This approach rarely works. So, instead you might want to say to the patient, “How are you and I going to solve the problem of the medicine getting into you?” The problem becomes the third person in the room. You have separated the person from the problem. Now the patient isn’t the problem, the problem is the problem. This takes the pressure off the situation and the two of you can begin to brainstorm to figure out a workable solution.

One quick note before you start brainstorming, make sure you remember to understand what the real issue is before you start. It is a waste of your time to work on solving the wrong problem. Is the patient not taking his medicine because he can’t afford it? Is he not taking his medicine because he doesn’t like the way it makes him feel? Or is he not able to cut the pill in half or open the medicine bottle? These are just a few examples of the many reasons a patient might not be taking the medications. Figure out what the real issue is and you’ll be able to solve the problem together.

The second tip is to use brainstorming to come up with more options. Brainstorming is when everyone comes up with new ideas on how to solve the problem. One technique which mediators use is to make sure the people in the conflict come up with at least three alternatives. This begins to break the conflict right away. It is no longer my way versus your way. As you begin, you can start with my way, your way or do nothing then work from there. You will find that the more options you can think of, the more likely you will be able to find a solution that people can live with. As you continue to brainstorm, you might realize that you could do a little bit of what you want and a little bit of what they want. Or you could throw out both of your plans and start again. Not only does brainstorming create a safe place to come up with new options but because you two are doing it together, it will change the experience from a combative process into a collaborative process.

Another you might want to do is to take a “time-out”. Not only does it help people calm down but in it also allows people to think about what has been discussed and to process what they have learned about the situation. We have all heard the phrase, “I have to sleep on it.” Sometimes we have to have patience and allow the other person some time to think. If you try to push someone who is not ready into making a decision, you may get a decision but it probably won’t last. The person will come back the next day and say, “I changed my mind.” I am not surprised when this happens because the person wasn’t ready to decide in the first place. Also, in some cultures, people need to go home and talk with their family or religious and community advisors. Allow people the space and time to make good decisions.

The most important part of this process is to work together. If you stay in a battle mode, you will continue to battle. When you stay in the war, the patient loses. Take responsibility for your part and make the effort to fix the situation. Be willing to say, “I was wrong. Or, I didn’t understand.” Realize that you can disagree without being disrespectful and hurtful. Figure out how you can invite this person into the problem solving process with you, especially during healthcare conflicts. You are still going to have to deal with this doctor or person on the healthcare team tomorrow. So it is better to peacefully resolve the issues than to create a battleground. Take the time to listen so you can begin to understand and empathize with the other person. You have the power to turn the conflict into an opportunity for things to get better.

Have a kind and respectful day.

One more great medical office, Kathryn Fallon and Wendy Lit, Doctors of Optometry

MY FAVORITE DOCTOR’S OFFICE, by Susan Harris

Of all the doctors’ offices I have been to, (and there have been many), there is one that stands out as being “The Best”. It is the office of Kathryn Fallon and Wendy Lit, Doctors of Optometry. I found them in a rather unscientific way. At the time, I was wearing contact lenses, and was searching for an office in my vision plan which sold them at the lowest price. I started down the list, making phone calls. In some cases I was put on hold for way too long; in others, my call was answered by someone who sounded stressed and/or annoyed. And then I called Drs. Fallon and Lit’s office. The phone was answered by the office manager, Bonnie, whose voice was friendly, welcoming, and felt like a ray of sunshine. I knew instantly that I had found the office I had been looking for.

Having now been a patient for many years, I can tell you that I always feel welcome when I walk in the door and am greeted by name. Although I have been cared for primarily by Dr. Lit, who is charismatic and caring, I have the utmost confidence in the medical care given by both doctors. I rarely, if ever, have been made to wait to see the doctor, and when I do have to wait, it is always with apologies.

I always look forward to going to this office, and have even dropped by with a special treat just to say “thank you” to everyone in the office.

Whether or not this letter is accepted as a “winner”, the doctors and staff at this office are already “winners” in my book. I sing their praises regularly.

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