Patience - Lessons Learned - Viki’s Journey

Patience – Lessons Learned -  KindEthics.com Newsletter

Quote of the Month:

The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference. He has it within his means to nourish the former and outgrow the latter.
Norman Cousins

I love when life reminds me of the lessons that I thought I had learned, but then I find out I need a refresher course. This month’s newsletter is about having patience, but not just your average patience, instead good-natured and seeking to understand patience. There are two parts to this story.

The second part first:

Two weeks ago I had to make about 50 phone calls to set up the events for my book tour in July. As I was contacting different groups and reaching out to the community organizations that help those with differing levels of capacity, I was on a roll. Each call was a wonderful opportunity to connect with like-minded people about our common goals. I tend to be a quick person and was enjoying the speed with which I was accomplishing my tasks. Then it happened, I contacted some organizations that focus on helping those who communicate more slowly or differently, and all of a sudden, my world slowed down. The reason being, the people I needed to talk to also suffered from the same issues of communicating differently. What had taken me 10 minutes to accomplish on other calls, now took me 25 minutes.

I had a choice. I could politely excuse myself from the call and just move on to someone else. I could get frustrated or start multi-tasking while I waited for them to say what they needed to say. Or, I could be present, slow myself down, listen differently and be patient. I realized that patience was not about “waiting it out,” but it was about staying connected with an open heart as I remembered I needed to listen differently.

When I did this, I heard amazing things. One gentleman with bipolar disease told me that he hoped others would understand when he said, “I can do it – Until I can’t.” I had never heard this phrase but it was a gift to me because it so clearly explains the needs of someone with a fluctuating mental illness. I had understood the concept as this is exactly what I talk about throughout my book. Keeping people included and empowered, despite their limitations, until those instances when they need us to step in and protect them. But I hadn’t had such an easy way to say it. I am so grateful he shared it with me.

Part 1 of the story:

Back in March, when it was Brain Injury Awareness Month, I was fortunate to connect with a wonderful woman named Tammi Diaz. She suffered a traumatic brain injury when she was hit by a car, but she has overcome her injury, found a new way to be, and is a wonderful advocate for those in her community. I contacted her because I wanted to interview her on my online radio show because I thought it would be great for my listeners to hear first hand from someone who still deals with the effects of a brain injury. When I first spoke with her, I was acutely aware of her slightly slower speech. Not much slower, but just enough to notice. She shared with me her stories about the amazing way she advocates at the state legislature and her passion for improving the public transportation in her community. Coming from a show biz background as a child, I wondered if my listening audience would keep listening once they heard her voice. I realized I might lose some listeners but that was the whole point of the show, to get people to hear from people struggling with brain injuries. (You would have thought that a few weeks later, I would have known that I needed to be patient when I was making all those phone calls. But my own agenda and schedule got in the way. Lesson re-learned.)

I booked her on the show along with the director of the Brain Injury Association in Utah. What a wonderful and inspiring interview. I realized that we don’t hear these types of voices in the media or on television shows. This is a silenced community like so many who struggle with mental illness, dementia, developmental delays etc.

So what is in this message for all of us? I hope that you can remember to slow down and to listen differently when you are talking to someone with a speech or brain disorder. Don’t rush, don’t complete their sentences, don’t get annoyed and don’t think it isn’t worth your time. The gift of understanding that you may receive from someone who experiences the world differently is inspiring. I am so grateful that I got the opportunity to practice what I teach. Each phone call brought a gem of knowledge and a connection with a terrific person. Please role model this kind of behavior for your kids, your colleagues and for others in the public when you can see a store clerk growing impatient with someone with a disability. We can make a difference in the lives of others, by listening with a generous heart and a good-natured attitude.

Have a kind and respectful day.

Book is available now at TheCaregiversPath.com

The Caregiver’s Path to Compassionate Decision Making - Making Choices for Those Who Can’t is available on TheCaregiversPath.com. You can also pre-order it on bookstore websites and it will be in bookstores on July 1.

Have a kind and respectful day.

One more great medical office, Kathryn Fallon and Wendy Lit, Doctors of Optometry

MY FAVORITE DOCTOR’S OFFICE, by Susan Harris

Of all the doctors’ offices I have been to, (and there have been many), there is one that stands out as being “The Best”. It is the office of Kathryn Fallon and Wendy Lit, Doctors of Optometry. I found them in a rather unscientific way. At the time, I was wearing contact lenses, and was searching for an office in my vision plan which sold them at the lowest price. I started down the list, making phone calls. In some cases I was put on hold for way too long; in others, my call was answered by someone who sounded stressed and/or annoyed. And then I called Drs. Fallon and Lit’s office. The phone was answered by the office manager, Bonnie, whose voice was friendly, welcoming, and felt like a ray of sunshine. I knew instantly that I had found the office I had been looking for.

Having now been a patient for many years, I can tell you that I always feel welcome when I walk in the door and am greeted by name. Although I have been cared for primarily by Dr. Lit, who is charismatic and caring, I have the utmost confidence in the medical care given by both doctors. I rarely, if ever, have been made to wait to see the doctor, and when I do have to wait, it is always with apologies.

I always look forward to going to this office, and have even dropped by with a special treat just to say “thank you” to everyone in the office.

Whether or not this letter is accepted as a “winner”, the doctors and staff at this office are already “winners” in my book. I sing their praises regularly.

Another great medical office, Dr. Aaron Hertel from Hertel and Brown, Erie, PA

Submitted by Andrea Reynolds for her dad, Wesley Reynolds.

My 89 year old Dad’s DPT (Doctor of Physical Therapy (Aaron Hertel) is willing to put in
a handicap parking spot at his front door so Dad can get in and out of the van more
easily. See the photo of the front door at Frontier Place: http://www.hertelandbrown.com/
Most of their patients are young athletes. We already have the Handicap Placard, just not
the place to park.

Hertel and Brown, Frontier Place, 1337 West 6th Street, Erie, PA 16505

Andrea Reynolds, THE CRISIS CLINIC
I champion for justice if you’ve been
cheated, mistreated, or swindled. Retain
me to restore your money, property, reputation.
http://www.AndreaReynolds.com/crisisbrainstorm

Winner of Best Office Story: Dr. William Lyons of Long Beach, California

Medical Office Winner: William Lyons, M.D., 4301 Atlantic Ave., Long Beach, California

From Randa, his patient:

I have several specialty doctors like many others. Thus, evaluating and determining impressive offices is an activity to engage in while waiting. The details of my impressive office begin before I get there. I know the parking will be simple and with no parking fee. The office is on the ground floor. This adds up to saved time and money. I know before arriving that I can treat myself to reading a book or writing notes while waiting. (and rarely is the wait long). It is a treat because the waiting room is comfortable, windows to see the outdoors, and NO TV blaring. Maybe there will be soft music playing and always an abundance of RECENT, quality periodicals to tempt me over the book I brought. The receptionist is like a welcoming friend. She takes the time for short conversation and always alerts me and the other patients if the doctor is delayed and how long it might be. It is a restful place.

The office is impressive because of the doctor. An internist with specialty in oncology and hematology with two offices. I see him in his internal medicine office. I can best describe him as “superb family doctor type” with specialties: asks about my family, knows my interests, refreshes himself on details of my chart, listens to me, answers all questions, and even more importantly teaches me on the recent medical/medication advances. Have you ever had the doctor assist you in taking off your jacket and hanging it up? Have you ever had the doctor jot down a reminder to himself to provide you with a resource for an interest of yours not related to exam? Have you ever had the doctor go over every details of your lab reports? Have you ever had the doctor alert you to some basic safety issues to protect you? Have you ever had a perceptive doctor who seemed to know you had other things on your mind and ask you about it? William Lyons, M.D., 4301 Atlantic Ave., Long Beach provides me with an IMPRESSIVE doctor’s office.

Both Randa and Dr. Lyon’s office will be getting a cake from BakeAWish.com http://tinyurl.com/rylvyz

CONTEST!! Tell me about your favorite doctor’s office and how the staff have made a difference. I will send the person who submits the winning story and the winning doctor’s office a cake from BakeAWish.com. Ends Nov. 8, 2009

I have worked in a medical office and I know how difficult it can be to keep the doctor on schedule, deal with the patients that are suffering and to make sure the bills get sent to the insurance company on time. I would like to honor this month the great doctor office’s staff that go the extra mile to make sure that the patients get the care they need. I also know that this group of workers don’t always get the recognition they deserve. So here is what I would like to do this month.

Tell me about your favorite doctor’s office and why they have made a difference in your life. I will pick one story to feature on my blog and the person who submitted the winning story and the winning doctor’s office will each receive a cake from BakeAWish. (Of course, I can change your name if you don’t want to be mentioned on my site.) The last date to send in your story is Nov. 8, 2009. I will announce the winner on my blog on Nov. 12th.

Send your story to me at Viki@KindEthics.com

Bake Me A Wish: http://tinyurl.com/rylvyz

Have a kind and respectful day.

No regrets. Spend quality time with loved ones today.

It is important to spend time with our loved ones. It is especially important that we spend time with those who have lost their ability to drive. Tell your loved one that you have saved the afternoon for them and you are willing to drive them where they want to go. We lose so much of our freedom as we get older and more dependent. Instead of you choosing the activity or the restaurant, let them be in charge. So, if they want to go to the local hardware store and wander around like they used to when they were young, go with them. If they like to get out in nature, even if they have physical limitations, find a local park that is disability friendly.

And of course bring your attention. If you are busy on your cell phone or distracted, it won’t count as quality time. We have to stop and truly be present with our loved ones. And that means turning down the technology and turning up our caring attitude.

One thing I regret is that I didn’t take the time to take my dad to the places he wanted to go. I took him where he needed to go like the doctor’s office, but then I would run out of time to do the little extras. I wish he was still here so we could just stop for an ice cream or take a drive around the old neighborhood. The time we spend counts and is remembered forever.

Have a kind and respectful day.

I thought we were all past this. Why are we still keeping gay and lesbian couples from visiting each other in the hospital?

I thought we were past this. I thought this issue was resolved but apparently it isn’t. This week in Fresno - California, a lesbian partner was not allowed in to see her partner of 3 1/2 years in the hospital. If she had said she was the woman’s sister, aunt, or friend she would have been allowed to visit. But because she is in a relationship with the patient, it was not okay. Please, we all have to get over this. It is stressful and scary enough to be in the hospital when you are in a medical crisis. This is when we all need the love and support of the people we love. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you want a healthcare professional keeping you from seeing your sick loved one?  Would you want to wait outside while your loved one dies?  No you wouldn’t.  It is none of healthcare professional’s business who visits you in the hospital. If you believe in the Golden Rule, then please respect that others would want their loved ones to visit them just like you would and don’t let this happen at your hospital.

(FYI: The best way to make sure this doesn’t happen to you is if you write out your advance directive for healthcare decisions. You can write on this document who you would want and not want to visit you. Click on my resouce page for more information about your state’s advance directive form.)

Have a kind and respectful day.

Most people on their death bed will ask, “Did I matter?” Here is a dying ritual to help you with this question.

One of the universal questions that people ask themselves when they are dying is, “Did I matter.” It doesn’t matter what religion you are or if you have no religion, we all hope that our life has made a difference. Whether you are interacting with your loved one or if you are a healthcare professional caring for a patient, this is something that you can help the dying with. Let them know directly how they have made a difference in your life. Tell them if you have learned something from them, if they have made you laugh or if they taught you how to be a better person. The person will have a more peaceful death knowing that their life had a positive effect on this world.

A wonderful ritual you can do with the dying is the rock ceremony. Even if the person is unconscious, you can still do this ritual. Here is how it works. Each person who cares about the dying person gets a rock. Any rock. It can be a special rock they pick out or just a rock from the garden. One by one, each person walks into the bedroom or hospital room of the patient and lays the rock on the person’s chest or lap. As they do this, they should say, “This rock represents what you have taught me, done for me, helped me with… You have made a difference in my life. Thank you.” Or words like that. You will know what to say. Young children can do this ritual as well. They might just say, “I like it when you read to me or take me to get ice cream.” It doesn’t matter how small or big, just that the person matters. As each person places the rock on the patient, the patient can literally feel the weight of their effect on the world. It is a powerful way to say thank you and goodbye. I hope that on the day you die, you will know that you have mattered too.

Have a kind and respectful day.

Are you the patient’s advocate or a bully?

This might be painful to read, but you may be making things worse for your loved one. Now I am a big believer in advocating for what you need in healthcare but there is a line which shouldn’t be crossed. And the line is when you start bullying the members of the healthcare team. Here is what this might look like. The doctor says, “What you are requesting won’t work for this condition. That treatment isn’t an option.” And you say, “You have to do it anyway or I will sue you.” You will probably get your way because doctors are afraid of the “l” word, lawsuit. But what you really just got is a medical treatment that will not work for your loved one and will only give them toxic side effects. Are you sure that’s what you meant to do?

If you truly want to know if a treatment is appropriate, ask for a second or third opinion. If you can find a doctor that will give you what you want, then change to that doctor. But if after you have asked 2 or 3 other doctors and they all tell you no, then you need to realize what you are getting is good medical advice. If everyone around you reacts negatively to you, it is not everyone being the problem, it is you. So if all the doctors and nurses are a “problem”, then perhaps the problem is you. You may be a bully.

You may think that if you become loud and demanding then you will get what you want. It doesn’t work that way in hospitals. You may get what you want but you will destroy the relationship between the patient and the doctor. And did you know that if the patient trusts the doctor, they will actually heal faster? It’s true. So when you damage the relationship, you are damaging the recovery process. And again, your good intentions will cause harm.

The doctors and nurses will start avoiding the patient’s room and spend less time interacting with you and the patient. And you and your loved one will become known as the “problem in room 321.” Every nurse that comes on shift will be warned about you. And again, that doesn’t get you what you want.

If you want to get more, be kinder and more appreciative. I always tell people that if you want to get better care, bring snacks to the nurses. Say thank you to the doctor. Make them want to spend more time thinking about your loved ones health and more time talking to you and the patient. Be a part of the healthcare solution.

Have a kind and respectful day.

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